Six Truths Anyone Who Sees Heathers The Musical Can Relate To

Heathers The Musical isn't just some run of the mill, ordinary musical. It's extremely funny, sometimes tragic, poignant, and totally relatable. Here's six truths anyone who sees Heathers The Musical can relate to.

1. Kindergarten Boyfriends Are Rad.

In Heathers, Martha sings an amazing song about her kindergarten boyfriend.

My kindergarten boyfriend was named Andy. We met on the first day of class and we just clicked. Of course, he didn't know I considered him my boyfriend. Back then, you didn't have to label your relationship - everyone was just cool like that.

We were five. We liked to paint together. I brought my prized wooden monkey to school one day and let Andy play with it, which was a very big deal because it was delicate and I really hoped he wouldn’t break it. Andy and I remained friends until the end of elementary school and then we fell into our different cliques.

Interesting side note: The last time I saw Andy was in a movie theater when I was 21 years old. I was on date with my (future) husband and the movie was “Reality Bites” – another Winona Ryder classic! I haven’t seen him since, but I think of him often.

2. Blue Balls Really Are Painful.

Jocks Kurt and Ram try to convince Veronica to make out with them in the super hilarious song, "Blue".  "You make my balls so blue," they declare. And, they aren't kidding around.

When a dude is physically turned on, blood flows to his penis, which is what gives him an erection, and his testicles then swell. If he doesn’t ejaculate, pressure builds up and this causes men pain – serious pain – like kick-me-in-the-balls-pain. But, don’t fret. It’s not life-threatening. At some point, the blood drains and the pain goes away on its own.

(This is where I tell you that my back story for Ms. Flemming includes her subbing for the sex ed teacher on occasion. You're welcome.)

3. Nobody Really Read Moby Dick in High School, But It’s Totally On Point.

Show of hands...who read Moby Dick? That's what I thought. The truth is, none of us have really read Moby Dick.

But, here’s some quotes that I’m sure were highlighted in Veronica’s copy of Moby Dick, thanks to JD.

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.”

“...and Heaven have mercy on us all - or we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.”

“God keep me from ever completing anything.”

“Call me Ishmael.”

Okay – that last one was just because HELLO! It’s Moby Dick! 

4. Cemeteries Really Are Fun to Make Out In.

I'm sure some of our audience members are going to think, "What? Did Veronica really just invite the jocks to the cemetery for a threesome? That's so weird."

TBH, cemetery make out sessions are super hot. If you’ve never made out in a cemetery, you need to get on that. Like now. Why are you still reading this blog post? Go. NOW.

(Again, you're welcome.)

5. It Really Isn’t A Party Without BQ Corn Nuts.

Does this really require any explanation? I thought not.

6. Life Can Be Beautiful.

I grew up in Carpinteria and went to school with the same kids from kindergarten through the end of twelfth grade. Something mysteriously tragic really does happen sometime around junior high that splits everyone into a social hierarchy. And, trust me - I wasn't one of the cool kids. 

Here’s the really great news: high school does not define you and it doesn’t last forever. You get to grow up and make choices that will take your life in whatever direction you choose. And those kids that made fun of your ass or bullied you…they like your posts on Facebook when you're both 42 and planning your 25th high school reunion. Honestly. It’s amazing. Just wait.

It gets better. It can be beautiful.